Monday 1 January 2018

January 1, 2018


A new year is finally here. I've been waiting for this moment for what seems like an eternity. Finally a fresh start in a brand new year! I like even years. I find I have better luck in them!

The holidays were stressful getting used to my new diet. Seeing all the treats and food I can no longer eat due to my somewhat recent Celiac diagnosis. Trying to make the proper choices eating food I didn't prepare myself.

It also made me sad to think it could have been my baby's first Christmas. I tried really hard not to focus on that too much. I wanted to enjoy this holiday season with my family without being too much of a downer. I have been feeling rather 'okay' with everything that has gone on this year. I feel like I'm finally in a good place mentally and physically.

Cheers!

Tuesday 5 December 2017

Brave Wings

Brave Wings
Brave Wings by Jessica Galbreth
Another piece by artist Jessica Galbreth a.k.a. "The Vintage Angel." I've been following her art for so many years now I've lost count. She has a beautiful taste, and I love anything to do with fairy's. The peacock feathered wings are a unique touch to this piece.

Wednesday 1 November 2017

November 1, 2017

Today was my due date.

I feel oddly calm and emotionally strong. It makes me feel happy but sad at the same time. I feel like I should be devastated and an emotional wreck. It's been 28 weeks since I lost my baby. I have had my share of highs and lows. Now, I have accepted that I did nothing wrong. There's nothing I could have done to change this terrible outcome. I have taken better care of my health.

I took the day off work. I had a nice relaxing day. It was a much needed day to myself. I'm glad I didn't have to worry about working. Plus we got a bad snow storm so I'm happy I didn't have to leave my house.

I lit my White Peach candle. Its the same one I had on October 15. It's a sweet familiar smell. I have my beautiful raspberry tattoo on my left arm. I carry my baby with me where ever I go. In my heart and my heart is on my sleeve.

I am 1 in 4.
I am strong.
I am brave.
I have survived the imaginable.
I will never forget you.
I miss you.
Always.
Love Mom.

Daughty - Gone Too Soon

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YvpoYxwI08M
 
Today could have been the day,
That you blow out your candles,
Make a wish as you close your eyes.

Today could have been the day,
Everybody was laughing,
Instead I just sit here and cry,

Who would you be?
What would you look like,
When you looked at me for the very first time?
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a ray of light we never knew,
Gone too soon, yeah.

Would you have been president
Or a painter, an author, or sing like your mother?
One thing is evident,
Would've given all I had,
Would've loved you like no other.

Who would you be,
What would you look like,
Would you have my smile and her eyes?
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a ray of light we never knew,
Gone too soon, yeah.

Not a day goes by,
Oh
I'm always asking why.
 
Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a beautiful light we never knew,
Gone too soon,
You were gone too soon
Yeah.
 
Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you. 
 
Writer(s): Christopher A. Daughtry, Michael James Ryan Busbee

Sunday 22 October 2017

Plumb - I Want You Here

A song about a mother's loss of her 28 day old newborn son.

Plumb - I Want You Here

An ache
So deep
That I
Can hardly breathe
This pain
Can't be imagined
Will it ever heal?
Ooh... ooh...

Your hand
So small
Held a strand of my hair
So strong
All I could do
Was keep believing
Was that enough?

Is anyone there?

I wanna scream
Is this a dream?
How could this happen,
Happen to me?
This isn't fair
This nightmare
This kind of torture
I just can't bear
I want you here
I want you here
Ooh... ooh...

I waited so long
For you to come
Then you were here
And now you're gone
I was not prepared
For you to leave me
Oh this is misery

Are you still there?

I wanna scream
Is this a dream?
How could this happen,
Happen to me?
This isn't fair
This nightmare
This kind of torture
I just can't bear
I want you here
I want you here

God help me,
God help me,
God help me
Breathe

I wanna scream
Is this a dream?
How could this happen,
Happen to me?
This isn't fair
This nightmare
This kind of torture
I just can't bear
I want you here
I want you here
I want you here
I want you here
Ooh... Ooh...

An ache
So deep
That I
Can hardly breathe

Writer(s): Tiffany Lee, Matt Bronleewe

Tuesday 17 October 2017

Articles by Melissa Rauch

My husband and I have been watching 'The Big Bang Theory' since the start of the series. I was surprised when I saw the season premiere of Season 11 (spoiler alert!) that Bernadette (played by Melissa Raunch) was pregnant again! I wasn't expecting this plot twist so I had a feeling Melissa was pregnant in real life so her pregnancy was written into the show. After some internet research it turns out I was right.

I found an article at Glamour Magazine written by Melissa on July 11, 2017. She's currently expecting a child and is due in the fall of 2017. The article is called: "Actress Melissa Rauch Announces Her Pregnancy and Reflects on the Heartache of Miscarriage." It's a beautifully written article which really shows her personality. I wish I had found it sooner. I have read it through a few times. It really captures the essence of her heartache of her miscarriage and subsequent pregnancy.

Melissa Raunch
On October 16, 2017 she wrote an amazing follow up article with a video she created. The article is called: "Melissa Rauch on Why She and Her Celebrity Friends Created This Powerful Pregnancy Loss PSA." I related to it immensely and it made me feel like I'm not alone. This wasn't my fault. Something I have been struggling with lately with my due date coming up on November 1st.

Friday 29 September 2017

September 29, 2017

Quote by Power of Positivity

I came across a shared article on Facebook called "22 signs you're a highly sensitive person (and that's OK!)." I read it and everything just clicked and my life has made a lot more sense since then. I have always been a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and I just didn't know it. I always felt like something was wrong with me.

I feel every little thing very deeply. I cry when I'm frustrated or stressed out. I cry when I see a loved one crying. I cry when I stub my toe too hard. I cry when I broke a glass Starbucks cup of mine - even though I have 3 other ones that are exactly the same. I cry over anything when I feel any strong emotion. You can only imagine how many tears I have cried since I lost my baby.

This past week has been especially hard. I should be entering my last month of my pregnancy. It should have been my last week of work before I started my maternity leave. I should have had the whole month of October off work and waiting the arrival of our baby. I was looking forward to having time off work to be with my family.

I'm so angry that was all taken away from me. I haven't cried this frequently since May when the depth of my loss was still very new. It's been a long rough week of sleepless nights.

Wednesday 6 September 2017

Simple Plan : Gone Too Soon

 Simple Plan - Gone Too Soon
Hey there now
Where'd you go
You left me here
So unexpected
You changed my life
I hope you know
'Cause now I'm lost
So unprotected
In the blink of an eye
I never got to say goodbye

Like a shooting star
Flying across the room
So fast so far
You were gone too soon
You're a part of me
And I'll never be the same here without you
You were gone too soon

You were always there
Like a shining light
On my darkest days
You were there to guide me
Oh I miss you now
I wish you could see
Just how much your memory
Will always mean to me
In the blink of an eye
I never got to say goodbye

Like a shooting star
Flying across the room
So fast so far
You were gone too soon
You're a part of me
And I'll never be the same here without you
You were gone too soon

Shine on
Shine on
On to a better place

Shine on
Shine on
We'll never be the same

Shine on
Shine on

Like a shooting star
Flying across the room
So fast so far
You were gone too soon
You're a part of me
And I'll never be the same here without you
You were gone too soon

You were gone too soon
(Shine on, shine on)
You were gone too soon
(Shine on, shine on)
You were gone too soon

Song By: Simple Plan
Songwriters: Charles-Andre Comeau / Emanuel Kiriakou / Pierre Bouvier
Gone Too Soon Lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc

Friday 1 September 2017

Hope Whispers

Hope Whispers by Jessica Galbreth
This is called "Hope Whispers" by Jessica Galbreth. I find this quote very inspiring, and the artwork itself is beautiful. I have found I'm drawn to butterflies since my loss. There's just something beautiful about butterflies.

Friday 25 August 2017

August 22, 2017

HISTORY: I started getting very aggressive hive outbreaks during the summer of 2006. After a few weeks of being prescribed Prednisone for short lengths of time for relief we were getting nowhere. I was finally referred to see a Dermatologist. He diagnosed me with Chronic Hives. I was sent for allergy testing in September 2008. I showed being allergic to most types of grass and trees (seasonal allergies) and some animals. I was tested for the more common food allergies which I didn't show a reaction to at all. I was told to take anti-histamines day and night to relieve my symptoms. Finding out the cause of the hives would be difficult to narrow down.

After the miscarriage and suffering for 10 years with Chronic Hives I decided to find a family doctor. I didn't currently have one and it was hard finding a female doctor who was accepting new patients. I always knew something was wrong with me but to pin point exactly what that was is not an easy task. I finally found a new doctor named Sandra. She decided to send me for blood tests to test against various auto-immune diseases that could be triggering the hives. My current allergies in combination with an unknown underlying issue could also be causing the hives to appear.

I went in for the blood test screening on the morning of July 5. I had done a lot of blood tests for my HCG levels so I was getting used to doing blood tests. (I have an extreme phobia of needles.) They had 10 vials to take. I instantly started to panic but told myself "You can do this!" They set me up in a chair and got me ready. I got through the first 2 vials alright... breathing in and out slow but steady... but then I started to feel very light headed. By vial 4 I was almost to the point of fainting slumped over and I could hardly move. Everything was a blur. They asked me if I was anemic and I told them I didn't know. They stopped taking vials, patched me up, got me ice for the back of my neck and a juice box. I felt awful. I thought my phobia of needles that always made my body over react. Once I felt well enough they rolled over a computer chair so they could take me to one of the beds to lay down. I rested for 10 minutes. The nurse came in and got the last 6 vials with no problems. Laying down really seemed to help!

I went to get my test results on July 11. Sandra said I had elevated levels of tTG anti-body levels. They were at 76.2. Normal range is less than 7. Having high levels of this antibody is generally linked to Celiac Disease.

She sent me for follow up blood tests on July 18 to test my tTG levels again and to also check on my Iron levels. I got my results on July 27. My tTG levels had raised to 90 (I ate lots of bread and bagels!) and Iron was only at 15 (should be 50+). No wonder I had almost passed out so quickly. I was anemic! She told me to take Palafer (Iron Therapy pills) to help get my levels up. She had already put in a request to a Hospital to get a biopsy done to officially diagnose the Celiac.

On August 22 was the day I finally was scheduled for the Upper Endoscopy (Gastroscopy). It was a LONG wait as the hospital was understaffed and behind schedule. I got checked in and they set me up in a bed. Again, I freaked out when they had to put the IV in. I could feel it in me the whole time I was laying there waiting. The doctor came to chat with me about my symptoms. He was skeptical that I had Celiac since I didn't have the digestion symptoms usually associated with Celiac. He told me we're about to find out and that he will give me results after the procedure.

Immediately before the procedure was very overwhelming. You're hooked up to a blood pressure reader on your left arm, your IV is in already, they put a brace in your mouth to keep it open for the camera (and so you don't bite down on your teeth). Then they told me to roll onto my left side which hurt since my arm was puffed up from the blood pressure around my arm. Thankfully they knocked me out after that. I remember waking up and I was back in my little room. A nurse came to take out my IV (yay!) and the doctor came shortly after that to discuss. He did find Celiac damage and samples were taken and sent to get biopsied. He gave me the go ahead to start on a gluten-free diet.



I FINALLY HAVE AN ANSWER! No one in my family has been diagnosed with Celiac Disease before. It can have very minimal signs if you don't have the obvious digestive problems. My Oma did have gallbladder surgery a few years ago and she had started on a gluten-free diet afterwards. They weren't able to test her for Celiac since she had already started on the diet. So it's possible she has it too.

THE HARDEST PART: I'll never know why my baby's heart stopped beating. Was it chromosome abnormalities? Was it due to my undiagnosed Celiac Disease? Did my baby not get enough nutrients from me to grow? The hardest part is I will never know WHY. Having undiagnosed Celiac Disease definitely put me at a higher risk of miscarriage. Knowing all this now breaks my heart. I have been beating myself up for not taking better care of my health. I feel like my miscarriage was preventable and my fault. It's a horrible awful feeling. I'm trying really hard not to think like that. I'll never know WHY I lost my baby. That really hurts my heart!

At least I have a few answers regarding my health. Doing my best to eat gluten-free so I can get my Doctor's clearance to start trying again. All this waiting is tough but I want to be as healthy as I can be for my next pregnancy.